From a surface-level point of view, I was living such a grand adventure and having the time of my life-- living my childhood dream of working at a horseback riding facility, attending shows and competitions, improving my equitation, learning new skills, and living in a different country. But I’m gonna let you in on a secret: it was so far from a fairytale and was a challenge every. single. day. Despite the fact that I was living in the enchanting Northern Ireland and surrounded by some beautiful, amazing horses every day, I had to really fight for my joy on a daily basis.
This post is not meant to be a list of all the things that went wrong or to allow myself to complain and rant to “get it all off my chest,” but rather to be vulnerable about the realities of who I am-- I am so utterly weak. Every minute of every day I had to lean on God’s strength just to get me through. I had never realized before just how weak I am not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. And see, the thing is, I hope to not forget it. Despite the fact that it was exhausting, discouraging, and so hard, I hope to always remember that I need God desperately, whether my life circumstances are this challenging or not. Even in the days when I am feeling strong and refreshed, I still need Jesus just as much as the days when I can hardly drag myself out of bed.
It certainly is a humbling thing to come to terms with, but it is so very freeing. To know that I don’t have to be independent or strong or have everything under control, but rather that I can cry out to my Savior to help me through any season or day or even just any particular moment. WE DON’T HAVE TO BE STRONG ALL THE TIME. In fact, it’s pretty much impossible. We can try to “fake it till we make it”, but God sees our brokenness and longs to heal us, to be our Companion and Comforter, and to replace our mourning with joy. He’s a gentleman, though; He won’t enter our lives unless invited (Revelations 3:20). So I encourage you to remove the facade, quit trying to do it alone, and invite Him in.
I truly did have to cry out to Him just about every moment of every day and rely on Him completely to make it through, but it was worth it. There were moments that He graciously shifted my focus off of my own exhaustion and onto His goodness, sometimes through the way the rain was hammering on the roof or a child’s giggle when the pony they were learning to ride on would trot or long train rides through the beautiful Irish countryside, and I can truly say that it was worth it. I wouldn’t go back, but I learned and grew a lot and made some really great memories that I will treasure. The thing that I will remember more than anything though is that I have a constant Companion Who is faithful and never tires of helping me in my weakness. The joy of the Lord is (and always will be) my strength (Nehemiah 8:10c).
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